Thursday, June 29, 2006

Big Break? Update!

UPDATE #2: With apologies to's Bill Simmons, for Round 2 I kept a running diary of the night's events. Here it is:

Round 2 - 6/26/06

7:00pm - We arrive at Duffy's Tavern, later than last week, so there's no tables available. I take that as a bad sign.
7:01 - We grab two seats at the bar. They have little flat-panel TV's which allow you to change the channel and watch what you want. I take this as a good sign.
7:06 - Monique discovers that her shirt is on inside-out. I take this as a bad sign.
7:12 - I have 4 baseball games and 2 World Cup soccer games to choose from on my little TV. I know this is a good sign.
7:13 - Italy and Australia are tied 0-0 in the 25th minute.
7:22 - In a moment ironic to no one attending this American Idol-wanna be program, a Taylor Hicks Ford commercial comes on the big screen.
7:24 - Getting hungry, we order some "sliders". They're White Castle-esque burgers but in size only. The meat is much more real, and they look less greasy. They're on special for $.50! We order six.
7:34 - Other contestants are milling around. One in particular walks by in 2 layers of tank-tops and a banana clip in her hair. I check my watch to see if A) it's a Swatch Watch, and B) if it's 1982.
7:41 - The music they're playing in the bar prior to the competition starting is apparently "Jock Jamz 4". I don't get it.
7:44 - They announce it's 1 minute til start! Where's my food? Twenty minutes for some mini-burgers? Really?
7:45 - We're under way. Not before the playing of a recorded Michael Buffer, who is imploring us to prepare for an apparent rumble. It's a singing competition, not Ultimate Fighting. I have to wonder if this is this really rumble-worthy. At least tonight, unlike last week, the host is going to introduce the judges. Oh, nevermind. It's a guy from some local band, and 2 others whom I can't understand due to mumbling into microphones. It was better when they went unannounced.

Singer #1 - I swear to God she is introduced as "RahRah".
Singer #2 - Some chick who sings (poorly) "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls. I think this is a sad attempt to woo the judges, since the rules clearly state "no flashing". This is, in her mind, the next best thing.
Singer #3 - sings some song I've never heard of. It sounds like Fiona Apple, only more boring.
Singer #4 - not memorable. that's not a good thing.
Singer #5 - Sarah? I can't understand, so I'm not sure. She sings "You're No Good". Sarah, you're right.
Singer #6 - sings "Over The Rainbow". Now, doesn't she know that since this is clearly an American Idol ripoff show, everyone here has seen American Idol? Does she think she's going to do this better than McPhee did? She's not even close. Stupid choice.
Singers #7, 8, 9 - eh, not bad. Some decent ones, actually. We get our second Alicia Keyes song in just 9 attempts, that's got to be some sort of record.
Singer #10 - My "favorite". The pretentious girl from last week who sang her original song is back! Tonight this idiot is singing a song in Spanish. I can't make this up. Way to let the judges really get to know you. She's not Hispanic, trust me. I say it's in Spanish, because the few words that are in this song are in Spanish. Mostly it's a bunch of "la la la". What?
Singer #11 - A bizarre, jazzy version of "Play Misty For Me". Really? This is so strange, and ALL over the place melodically. What a strange choice.
At this point, the judges and host have to ask the bar to respect the singers and keep the talking down. It's unreal. Everyone attending is somehow connected to this singing competition, but everyone is so chatty. Rude and annoying.
Singers #12 and #13 - blah blah blah.
Singer #14 is Mo! - She sings "When I Fall In Love". It sounds great. To be honest, I think she sounds better than she did last week, but of course I'm biased.
Singer #15 - I think named Kelly. Starts off great, sounds terrific, gets too comfortable and impressed with herself, starts to "show off" at the end, oversings it, ouch this sounds horrible. Wow, it's less than 3 minutes she goes from "shoo in to the next round" to "home".

8:15 - The first break. I gotta take a leak. I walk in right behind another guy, and this dude breaks one of the cardinal rules of the men's room. There are 3 urinals in there, and they're all open for business. Well this idiot walks right up to the middle one, leaving me no choice but to use one right next to him. If there's an option, you MUST leave a free space in between. Come on, man!
8:25 - We're back. The host thanks his sound guys for, and this is a direct quote, "making the singers sound fantasmo!" Yes, he said "fantasmo". Really. I'm unfortunately too far away to throw something at him.

Singer #16 - Some guy sings a bizarre slow and low arrangement of "Walking In Memphis". The most bizarre part? He spends an inordinate amount of time before the song starts getting the microphone into the holder on the stand. The host has to help. It's borderline uncomfortable watching him struggle with such a simple task that he's turning into his own personal Rubik's Cube. OK, he finally gets it set so that....wait for it....2.5 seconds into the song he can do a dramatic pull of the mic off the stand! Are you kidding me? I struggle to stilfe an audible laugh.
Singers #17-#23 - not bad, nothing too ridiculous.
Italy and Australia still tied 0-0 in 42nd min of 2nd half. Good game going on.
Singer #24 - I don't get this guy. Are you street? Are you diva? It's sort of a "gay thug-life" thing going on. I'm confused.
Singer #25 - Megan steps up to the mic, saying with attitude that she's "gonna rock". Alright! She launches into some Black Crowes, and rocks! If by "rocks" you mean "sings quietly and not to the tune of the original", that is.
Italy has a bicycle attempt on goal in the 44th minute! Just misses! Holy crap, so close.
Singers #26-27 - nothing much going on here.
Singer #28 - dude, you're gonna sing a U2 song? Bye.
I now get to do the stare down after throwing some "shut it" comments to some annoying bitch 3 seats down from me at the bar who keeps yelling to her friends, so she can be heard over the singing. Monique has to keep me in line, but I'm getting good laughs from the people around me, so it's all good.
Singer #29 - chick sings the Theme from The Jeffersons. While holding a beer. If Mo doesn't win this thing, I want her to. I need to set her up with a single friend of mine so I can hang out with her. OK, this is getting uncomforatble.
Singer #30 - guy is very good.

Time for another break, and we take off. I just can't take 20 more of these. It's too hard to tell how Mo is going to fare. There is a lot of crap on stage tonight, but also quite a few good singers. Plus, by leaving when we did, I missed the controversial end to the Italy-Australia game. Dammit!

And apparently the bad signs outweighed the good signs from earlier in the night. Monique got "The Email". Sorry, but you're not moving on. Thanks for playing.

So, no Big Break for Mo. No flat-panel TV and elimination of credit card debt for me. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted, right?

- Corey


briemcgee,duh said...

that's too bad! Well it sounds to me like you were a very close second place. But it's was a good "get over any stage fright and learn to perform" moment. So in the end, you did win hahaha cheesy! The prize is inside!

briemcgee,duh said...

by the way, you have way too much time on your hands, Corey. Did you carry around a little notebook all night and jot down little notes?

corey said...

yes. and yes.

Mo said...

He literally carried a notepad and pen around.

Not embarrassing at all.

Randman said...

A bizarre, jazzy version of "Play Misty For Me".

Really? A jazzy version of a Clint Eastwood film? Cool.

They obviously don't know talent when they see it. I'm sure Mo was Fantasmo!

Corey said...

Sorry, my bad. The song is simply titled "Misty". That's totally my fault. I was born AFTER the 1950's.

I could go back and edit the post, but really, what's the point?

By the by, "Fantasmo" is her new nickname. Feel free to call Monique that whenver you like.

Mo said...

You are in big trouble when you come home.

Sleep with one eye open Rittmaster.

Steaming bowl o' Calderone said...

"But it's was a good "get over any stage fright and learn to perform" moment."

Really? FantasMo has stage fright? Huh, who knew? I told you that you should've sung "A Dicktug To Love". Winner, guaranteed.

Corey said...

Didn't Queen originally record that? It went this:

Can anybody find me A DICKTUG to love
Ooh, each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
(Take a look at yourself) Take a look in the mirror and cry (and cry)
Lord what you're doing to me (yeah yeah)
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Can anybody find me A DICKTUG to love ?

I work hard (he works hard) every day of my life
I work till I ache in my bones
At the end (at the end of the day)
I take home my hard earned pay all on my own
I get down (down) on my knees (knees)
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
(Please) Can anybody find me A DICKTUG to love ?

(He works hard)
Everyday (everyday) - I try and I try and I try
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm going crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
Ah, got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe in
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Oh Lord
Can anybody find me A DICKTUG to love ?
(Can anybody find me someone to love)

Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat (You just keep losing and losing)
I'm OK, I'm alright (he's alright - he's alright)
I ain't gonna face no defeat (yeah yeah)
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
One day (someday) I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Find me A DICKTUG to love
Find me A DICKTUG to love
Find me A DICKTUG to love
Find me A DICKTUG to love
Find me A DICKTUG to love
Find me A DICKTUG to love
Find me A DICKTUG to love
Find me A DICKTUG to love love love
Find me A DICKTUG to love
A DICKTUG find me
A DICKTUG find me A DICKTUG to love
Can anybody find me A DICKTUG to love ?
(Find me A DICKTUG to love)
(Find me A DICKTUG to love)
Find me A DICKTUG, A DICKTUG (find me A DICKTUG to love) A DICKTUG, A DICKTUG to love
(Find me A DICKTUG to love)
Find me, find me, find me, find me, find me
Ooh - A DICKTUG to love
(Find me A DICKTUG to love)
(Find me A DICKTUG to love)
Find me, find me, find me A DICKTUG to love
(Find me A DICKTUG to love)
Anybody, anywhere, anybody find me A DICKTUG to love love love!
Wooo A DICKTUG find me, find me love.

Randman said...

Play Misty for Me (1971)
Plot Outline: A brief fling between a male disc jockey and an obsessed female fan takes a frightening, and perhaps even deadly turn when another woman enters the picture.

No 50's about it.

Corey said...

No, the song. Regardless, the movie came out the year I was born. So either way, I'm washing my hands of this.

NikkiDooDoo said...

To Corey - thank you. Not only for the play-by-play but for finally getting me those lyrics. For years I've wondered what they were really singing.

To FantasMo - obviously the judges don't know fantasmo from a hole in their ass. Bright side: now you might not be embarrassed by a notebook-wielding husband.

Steaming bowl o' Calderone said...

Speaking of updates... isn't it about time? I'm just sayin'.

Mo said...

I knew you were going to say that. I should have some pictures from over the weekend up tomorrow. Keep your pants on Pete.

corey said...

Hey, the day that posting on the blog puts tacos in my belly is the day I put more effort into posting on the blog than putting tacos in my belly.

Steaming bowl o' Calderone said...

Fantasmo, that's a new request.

Corey, two words - Google Ads.

corey said...

I will NOT sell out. You should know me better.